Help! My Husband Is Trying to Kill Me!

It all started about 3 weeks ago when we met with our bank to talk about our financial future.  One of the questions was about life insurance.  I made the mistake of totalling up how much life insurance would fall into my husband’s hands if I were to meet an unexpected early demise.  I’m pretty certain that was the moment that he began inventing his evil plan to kill me!

Remember that I was gone for a full week on a business trip so he had plenty of time to dwell on all the subtle ways to rid himself of his spouse and collect a windfall.  We’ve both watched a lot of episodes of CSI and Law and Order, and according to those, there are hundreds of ways to off your spouse and attempt to make it look like an accident or natural causes.  I’ve often thought that Tink and my husband were trying to aggravate me to death, but I’ve grown a thick skin to some of their antics and that might be too hard.  No, I believe my husband thought and thought until he devised the perfect plan.  He would kill me with food.

But it tastes sooo good! (courtesy

Now I’m not the perfect eater but I do attempt to serve more healthy meals than not.  We may have meatloaf, scalloped potatoes, green beans cooked with bacon and biscuits one night but the following night’s feature will be something like broiled salmon, wild rice with sautéed zucchini and a salad.  (Before you get all excited about our evening menus I have to add that we also occasionally have Pizza night and Leftovers Night)  My husband does not believe in balance, at least when it comes to food.

When I returned from my trip he served lunch:  Tomato Soup with what only Paula Deen would call “just enough” butter along side grilled pimento cheese AND cheese sandwiches!  Of course I ate it because it was delicious, but I thought surely it was a special welcome home lunch.  Well let me describe the following day’s menu:

Breakfast:  Two fried eggs, grits, buttered toast and a side of country ham!  Country ham on the side??  Are you kidding me?  That was delicious, but surely lunch would be a salad right?  NO! 

Just the way I like 'em! (

Lunch:  Homemade Grilled Hamburgers and french fries on buttered and toasted bakery buns.  Dinner would be light, right? 

Dinner:  Fried Cubed Steak, Fried Yellow Squash with onions, white rice, gravy and biscuits. 

The next morning when he asked if I wanted some breakfast I said, “For the love of humanity can I just have a yogurt?”  See part of the problem is that my husband did all the shopping while I was gone so he bought food he knows how to cook.  My husband is an excellent cook, BUT he cooks like our Mama’s did and that is the primary reason that our entire extended family is on blood pressure and cholesterol meds.  I’m certain my arteries are clogging as I’m typing.  Because he’s not done yet.  He intends to serve hot dogs with potato chips tonight, BBQ pork ribs with coleslaw and potato salad tomorrow night and meatloaf the next.  Someone pass the Tums?

But you know what?  I’m not having to cook and he’s having the time of his life cooking all his favorites.  So, if I can survive the next 5 days, I think I’ll just enjoy the ride on the fried buffet train.  Maybe this heavy food will make those salads all that more appealing come January 1!  And if I die eating a big pile of fried squash at least I’ll die doing something I love.  Maybe I don’t want that help after all.