So I had several New Year’s Resolutions and I am following most of them. I’m eating healthier, lost a couple of pounds, working out regularly – all the usual resolutions. But I had also decided to stop cursing, and damn it, that part’s not going so well.
How does she look so calm? (image via hundredpushups.com)
All this working out was bound to pull a few expletives out of me, especially if I’m doing it correctly. When you hold plank position for more than 30 seconds and you have any breath left at all, it automatically comes out in four-letter words. Then when I was dieting I was hungry so my threshold for stupidity was much lower than it normally is and I don’t have a high tolerance for it on a good day with fried foods. So I had already decided that perhaps this “no cursing” resolution would best be delayed until February, but last Friday I had an unintentional slip that was so funny I had to share.
I was picking my daughter up at school which is not the normal routine. She usually rides the bus, but we had errands to run this particular Friday. South Carolina has recently passed a law against texting and driving which I never really did anyway, but now I was sitting still in a car rider line waiting to pick up one of the hundreds of teenagers roaming around outside the school. I sent a quick text to my daughter to let her know I was getting close to the pick up point so she could be paying attention instead of gabbing with her friends. I am lucky enough to have a “Smart Phone” with voice recognition so I thought I would take advantage of it. I hit the speaker button and said, “I’m in line, shouldn’t be long now.” then I hit send.
I kind of miss my dumb phone
Evidently I have a very strong southern accent that must be difficult for standard voice recognition software to recognize. A few seconds later I read the message I had sent. And here it is:
“The line shittin’ be long”
I almost fell out of the car laughing but I was struggling to send another G-rated message so my daughter would not be confused. I tried again with the same phrase. This time the message came out:
“I’m in line, should not be long nails”
Luckily by the time I pulled up my daughter saw the car and hopped in, completely embarrassed because her mother was laughing like a hyena. I finally croaked out that I was sorry about the text messages when she said, “Oh, my phone is off and in my book bag. What did you say?”
Well, February 1st is just around the corner. I’ll give it a shit then. Ooops, I mean shot.
1. Thanks to the blog “Who Said Life Wasn’t Complicated” for the picture at the top of the page.
Ramblings of an Angry Middle Age Woman 
Great post. Made me laugh. Accents are funny. I watched with smiles the other day as one of my granddaughters tried to instruct her phone to “Call Mom”. You would think that is a simple enough phrase for voice recognition but with her cute little Bermuda accent, the phone wanted to call anyone BUT Mom…..we laughed so hard. Perhaps we ought to have various voice recognition software depending on where one lives.?
I definitely need the one identifying deep Southern accents. I sympathize with your granddaughter, I cannot get my phone to “Call Mom” either!
Thoroughly enjoyed reading this…..I have a 14 year-old mobile phone …it texts in capital letters and I can swear at it till the cows come home and it doesn’t respond…..a bit like my dog really. (except dawg doesn’t text) 🙂
Is your phone really large like the one Michael Douglas holds walking along the beach in Wallstreet?
No, it’s not quite that old, but still very bulky compared to modern phones. Had a friend who bought one of those original enormous (complete with large carry bag) cell phones…..I think it cost $1000 at the time….we could never have afforded that sort of money.
I truly think Siri is the dumbest blonde in the universe. I’ve heaped so much verbal abuse on her she’s stopped talking to me. And then….sometimes she comes on DURING a conversation, cutting off the person I was talking to. She’s a needy, confused artificial intelligence who likes to screw with us. And you don’t have an accent. Others simply have strange ears.
Barb, I like the way you think! The Big Bang Theory recently aired an episode where Raj fell in love with Siri. That was funny.
Truly, she makes me want the throw the phone. Then when I get mouthy with her she sulks and won’t speak to me.
You always give me a good belly laugh! I don’t have a smart phone, and I already know it would only serve as a frustrating device to navigate around. I never thought I’d be one of those people who rebelled technology… but I think it’s more about something being user-friendly and highly functional.
I am quickly becoming one of those people who no longer wants to deal with “new fangled” gadgets!
That is so funny. You swore off cursing, so your phone takes over.
I know right? I’m thinking it’s a sign that I really shouldn’t give up cursing. 11 days into February and it’s not going so well.
Too funny! And I just caught your reference to South Carolina. Me too, haha! You’re right…the voice recognition thingie does not work too well with the Southern drawl.