Help! My Husband Is Trying to Kill Me!

It all started about 3 weeks ago when we met with our bank to talk about our financial future.  One of the questions was about life insurance.  I made the mistake of totalling up how much life insurance would fall into my husband’s hands if I were to meet an unexpected early demise.  I’m pretty certain that was the moment that he began inventing his evil plan to kill me!

Remember that I was gone for a full week on a business trip so he had plenty of time to dwell on all the subtle ways to rid himself of his spouse and collect a windfall.  We’ve both watched a lot of episodes of CSI and Law and Order, and according to those, there are hundreds of ways to off your spouse and attempt to make it look like an accident or natural causes.  I’ve often thought that Tink and my husband were trying to aggravate me to death, but I’ve grown a thick skin to some of their antics and that might be too hard.  No, I believe my husband thought and thought until he devised the perfect plan.  He would kill me with food.

But it tastes sooo good! (courtesy

Now I’m not the perfect eater but I do attempt to serve more healthy meals than not.  We may have meatloaf, scalloped potatoes, green beans cooked with bacon and biscuits one night but the following night’s feature will be something like broiled salmon, wild rice with sautéed zucchini and a salad.  (Before you get all excited about our evening menus I have to add that we also occasionally have Pizza night and Leftovers Night)  My husband does not believe in balance, at least when it comes to food.

When I returned from my trip he served lunch:  Tomato Soup with what only Paula Deen would call “just enough” butter along side grilled pimento cheese AND cheese sandwiches!  Of course I ate it because it was delicious, but I thought surely it was a special welcome home lunch.  Well let me describe the following day’s menu:

Breakfast:  Two fried eggs, grits, buttered toast and a side of country ham!  Country ham on the side??  Are you kidding me?  That was delicious, but surely lunch would be a salad right?  NO! 

Just the way I like 'em! (

Lunch:  Homemade Grilled Hamburgers and french fries on buttered and toasted bakery buns.  Dinner would be light, right? 

Dinner:  Fried Cubed Steak, Fried Yellow Squash with onions, white rice, gravy and biscuits. 

The next morning when he asked if I wanted some breakfast I said, “For the love of humanity can I just have a yogurt?”  See part of the problem is that my husband did all the shopping while I was gone so he bought food he knows how to cook.  My husband is an excellent cook, BUT he cooks like our Mama’s did and that is the primary reason that our entire extended family is on blood pressure and cholesterol meds.  I’m certain my arteries are clogging as I’m typing.  Because he’s not done yet.  He intends to serve hot dogs with potato chips tonight, BBQ pork ribs with coleslaw and potato salad tomorrow night and meatloaf the next.  Someone pass the Tums?

But you know what?  I’m not having to cook and he’s having the time of his life cooking all his favorites.  So, if I can survive the next 5 days, I think I’ll just enjoy the ride on the fried buffet train.  Maybe this heavy food will make those salads all that more appealing come January 1!  And if I die eating a big pile of fried squash at least I’ll die doing something I love.  Maybe I don’t want that help after all.

22 thoughts on “Help! My Husband Is Trying to Kill Me!

  1. RVingGirl says:

    Ha ha What a man! My husband loves to cook with more spices than the human body can tolerate. He even pours tobasco over vegetables!
    Enjoy your week of greasy, yummy food no matter what!

  2. roseshadows says:

    Just a thought, have you watched ‘Snapped, women who kill’? My husband got a little worried when I started watching it.
    On the other hand, looking at your menu’s, what a great way to go!

  3. GOF says:

    Thanks for starting my day off with a smile….these days I shudder remembering that as kids were were raised on “English” foods….basically meat, eggs and fat including the “dripping” left over from roast lamb which was smeared 1 inch thick on slices of bread. Fortunately I never learned to cook so when Mrs GOF goes away I am perfectly content to live on fruit and salads flavoured with a little tinned fish.

  4. katecrimmins says:

    It all sounds yummy to me.

  5. Fried squash?? Maybe cheesecake or apple pie!

    I’ve been thinking the same thing about Tony, not because of the cooking, but because he has given up on reminding me that what I’m doing might not be healthy.

    Let’s make a deal, if either one of us suddenly disappears off the face of the blogging world, we’ll let someone know.

  6. littlesundog says:

    You didn’t make the colossal mistake of signing a DNR yet, have you?

  7. jakesprinter says:

    I`m a good cook too , but your husband still better than me don`t worry he,he Nice post 🙂

  8. Barb says:

    YOu could get the same amount of fat by eating at Micky D’s. And your menu tastes so much better. Heck…your intake is equal to just a pile of fudge and a few banana splits. Enjoy. At least you don’t have to go grocery shopping which would raise the blood pressure on those cholesterol laden veins.

  9. I love your humor! Thank you for the smiles this morning! 🙂 I find the same things happening when my husband shops … luckingly I do most of the cooking! Or … maybe not so lucky?! lol Have a great Friday!

  10. Jo Blackwell says:

    This did make me chuckle! Whenever I mention I’m cuttiDown he cooks with butter and piles up my plate more than usual! Love the blog, btw. I need to read back to find out why you’re angry! Do check out project50 – my way of venting all the frustrations of turning 50! 😉

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